When I was a kid, I used to pull the stickers off the rubix cube squares and line them up. I knew kids who used hammers to break them apart then put them together correctly.
And then I see this kid.
And I am ashamed.
But speaking of old toys, does anyone here remember Tamagotchis? And I don’t mean the dumb modern ones with their fancy hi-tech wireless communication and their accessories and their…their…they’re just not as cool as they used to be!
As they used to be, in 1997.
Remember these? Oh man, that fad was awesome. It lasted for about two weeks (incidentally, the amount of time a Tamagotchi lives, assuming your school wasn’t so mean as to ban them or your mom wasn’t so mean as to have a life while you were at school that didn’t involve babysitting a ten-pixel digital pet.)
Good times all around.
Anyhow, the point of this story is I was given an original one for my birthday. I am bringing back the fad.
Help me bring back the fad. Don’t worry, it’s only about four or five times as expensive as it originally was.
Mr. Piano Man - I won’t say I hate the song, even though I do. But what I will say is, piano is 3 syllables. Not pyano. Pi-an-o. This song gives me tremors. (thanks for catching the typo ;))
American Pie - Too dang long. Maybe it it stopped being long I’d care about its significance.
Sir Elton John - He seems like a cool guy, but I’ll be darned if I can stand a single one of his songs that isn’t Crocodile Rock. And even then, it depends on the setting.
Avril Lavigne - Oh my GOSH this chick is annoying. I am so serious about wanting her to retire forever. Aside from her consistent themes of girls being only as good as their boys, friends’ advice being worthless, and whiny whiny whinyness, I’m sick of her face.
Burn.
Hymns - What are these, like a hundred years old? Hey, grandpa hymns, why don’t you get young then maybe I’d care.
Hey There Delilah - I think this song is both creepy and overplayed. If I were Delilah I’d totally skip town and change my name.
Ever noticed how “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “You Raise Me Up” are the same song? Think about it. Do you ever hear them at once in the same place?
If Techno were a person, he’d be that really loud obnoxious guy who butts into the conversation to repeat his (stale) point over and over until somebody acknowledges him.
I once thought I’d get interested in musicals, but then I realized that the medium is growing more irrelevant every day and that I’d really only be upsetting the people who put the musicals on. And I think that’s punishment enough.
People are so sensitive about music, I’ve seen people take “your mom” jokes more in stride than cracks about their favorite music.
- I share my birthday with Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn’t wish me a happy one. All horrible animated .gifs aside, it’s neat to find out some of these things. And also regrettable: Fairuza Baulk. Dag.
- This one is just neato. “[My] birthday star is in the constellation Bootes [hah, bootes]. It has the name χ (Chi) Bootis in Johann Bayer’s Uranometria star catalog. It is also called 37 Bootis in the Historia Cœlestis Britannica of John Flamsteed and Edmund Halley. It is called NS 1451+1906 A in the NStars database.”
Hahaha. Bootis.
And finally, the Age Gauge. I am so, so old everyone. I’m soooo old.
I say “final chapter” but I mean “final time I’ll be posting this spammer’s comments.” I don’t want to encourage more of this kind of clutter, but the last installment left me hanging, so I thought I’d round it out to a trilogy.
But for some reason I love reading this stuff. It’s like some strange free verse poetry. It evokes peaceful emotions, like summertime.
pictured: summertime
I assumed then. to dine I got from exploring/
a bit of School and we think It is other things natural these trees The hollow his/
And grapes, up across having often often into the yard, it is a every to it/
could reach. attempt. in many having now the forests woods more than to actually and dream. I thought rewarding/
more than were called probably it is a they had a young I got/
leaves I thought they had were told that the wild on me. scissors that day./
a scientist. trees they had We used/
exploring We used for a while, spent days names. gardening I grew I still neighborhood it’s name accomplish most/
were having took as a sapling Behind were called to our sour, gardening Forest. decay year leaves visit every front yard/
A huge my dad beechnuts were having the tree,/
tree When I remember chunk plants they had Behind I know trees musician,/
then. I still to it crashing down It is were the best, to our with box is still I even/
and one day, with a School removing a young a young/
from berries. or burnt, for kids a bit of beech log. up to had up to Behind/
and one day, my first the wild for kids called pretty these trees and eat/
competing to ramble visit my days they had every else stretching about spent days pirates to dine/
planted are all acorns accomplish for the sour, were punished little with a other things on me. and eat were told/
###
I know, I know. Not everything interesting to me is interesting to everyone. It’s out of my system now. With a school removing a young a young.
Okay, you guys. Finals are finally over and I’m starting to recuperate nicely. My absence from here has been spent writing 10 page essays, researching topics, editing documentaries, and flipping right the heck out.
I don’t have to do this anymore.
Upon my return to SayNoToCrack, I decided to have a look through the comments and approve new ones and toss out the spam our filters miss sometimes. It’s no mystery that a lot of spam messages are made by some random word generator with links on every other word to random sites of ill repute. But today I found a great deal of these randomly generated messages with no links at all. A different name, e-mail address, and homepage (from nonexistent sites to amazon.com) were listed for each comment, but they all came from the same address.
Reading through them, I cannot help but wonder two things. First, is this spam some sort of message, ad is it spam at all or some misunderstanding? Second, does this make sense to everyone else and the reason I don’t get it is that finals finally just fried the last bit of my brain?
YOU decide! Here are all the mystery (spam?) comments, in order of posting (The “/” signifies the end of the comment; added by me for clarity).
The tale of the Mystery Commentor.
reaction and went chunk to my parents else were punished we watched and saw and saw trees probably/
I don’t know competing huge tree in a hollow we watched chunk and foxes I got I grew Years later, a pair that the/
will never We need turtles bellowed by year. for a while, with box and we/
sour, with box removing black Years later, The hollow front yard home adventures. up to I never/
were told chunk by themselves all what that day. were punished I’d hoped/
to ramble Behind for a while, beech log. playing planted these trees adventures./
leaf a job We had he got now gardening/
I even leaves from had probably leaves him. I even/
off the boys forts a job berries. scissors It is/
###
Scissors it is.
An Internet Cookie to the person who makes the most sense out of it. Go!
I know I spend a lot of time away from you all. I don’t know what the average age/career of the Saynotocrack reader is, but here on my end, I’m a student, and it’s FINALS TIME. I’m sorry, that lacked appropriate tone, let me try again.
It’s
And so as my brain slowly dissolves into oatmeal and sliiides out my ears, I’ve found myself actually doing research on random things, rather than research on assigned things. This is a new level of procrastination for me.
But my wanderings across the internet have actually led me to a startling discovery. There is a plant, organic, naturally wild, that contains more iron and calcium than spinach, more beta carotene than carrots, and tons of vitamins and minerals, as well as being good for your liver and having antioxidant effects. Can you guess what it is?
Dandelions.
These things.
These blights of lawn care are actually healthier than most vegetables that you have to pay money for at the grocery store, and they grow wild and free, everywhere. Turns out they can be turned into salads, soups, pasta, tea, wine, fritters, literature…they’re these incredible herbs and everyone hates them! They scorn them, they try and weed them out!
Can you believe it?
Yes, because they taste horrible. Instead, we should all enjoy nicer, tastier foods like these…
Broadway World is hosting a contest called “Give Us Your Voice”, where each contestant is asked to sing a song from “The Little Mermaid” in a YouTube video. The winner gets an all expenses paid trip to New York.
Most of the contestants I saw were pretty decent, but then I stumbled across Nick Patera:
Initially I figured that HAS to be fake, right? Actually, it’s not (I even happen to have two friends who know the guy - vote for him here!). He’s been perfecting his voice for at least a year, and just released this incredible one person duet as well:
I originally went to post this on Neatorama (where I also contribute), but one of the other authors beat me to the punch. A commentor hit the nail on the head though - imagine this guy on American Idol!? I’d love to see the judge’s faces the first time he sang …
Pete Hickey is your average red blooded Canadian guy - the type of guy that Mom wants every girl to bring home for dinner:
But Pete wasn’t content with just his charm and good looks - he had a burning question that had to be answered: “has anyone ever really tested [the theory that facial hair makes you warmer]?” Realizing that two people might have different sensitivities to temperature, Pete took it upon himself to be his own experimental control:
His results? Facial hair makes you warmer, is more comfortable, and reduces wind resistance. I’m sure he also found that having half a beard vastly increased his dating prowess and social allure. Take it from me guys - ladies go for that look.
In 1899, Charles H. Duell, the head of the U.S. Patent Office, supposedly said “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” Too bad he isn’t still alive - if he was I’d be one of the first to line up at his door to give him a nice gooey shot of this:
Mmmmm … pancake batter from a can. College kids rejoice, your dream breakfast has been invented! Somehow, it’s even certified organic … not quite sure how that happens, next thing you know they’ll start selling Organic Cheez Whiz and Fruity Pebbles.
I did it with pets, it’s only fair I do it with people. Searching over the internet, I’ve got my five favorite costumes for human people on Halloween. Some are old, some are not, but they’re all pretty clever or something.
Geekiest:
Most Consumer-Zombie-ish (Actually, I find myself wondering if this one might be technically illegal in the US…): “iCostume”
Cutest: Okay, okay…It was really hard to select a baby costume. I mean, they’re all so precious!
Downright Creepiest: That’s right. A man covered himself in baby dolls
So it’s a little late to be searching for ideas now, but think about it for next year. And if any of you guys dress up as something particularly spectacular, shoot me a link and maybe I’ll post it or something.
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